From: Arnold Trembley Newsgroups: comp.software.year-2000 Subject: Re: Year 2000 Joke Date: Sat, 24 May 1997 05:10:01 -0500 Organization: AT&T WorldNet Services Message-ID: <3386BE79.C60@worldnet.att.net> References: <3385ced6.73493671@news.cigna.com> James Gerber wrote: > > Jack was a COBOL programmer in the mid to late 1990s. For years he was > treated as a technological dinosaur by all the UNIX programmers and > website developers, but now Jack was finally getting some respect. > He'd become a private consultant specializing in Year 2000 > conversions. He was working short-term assignments for prestige > companies, traveling all over the world on different assignments. He > was working 70 and 80 and even 90 hour weeks. > > Several years of this relentless, mind-numbing work had taken its toll > on Jack. He had problems sleeping and began having anxiety dreams about > the Year 2000. It had reached a point where even the thought of the > year 2000 made him nearly violent and now all he could think about was > how he could avoid the year 2000 and all that came with it. > > Jack contacted a company that specialized in cryogenics. He made a > deal to have himself frozen until March 15th, 2000. This was a very > expensive process but totally automated. He was thrilled. The next > thing he would know is he'd wake up in the year 2000; after the phony > New Year celebrations and computer debacles; after the leap day. > Nothing else to worry about except getting on with his life. > > He was put into his cryogenic receptacle, the technicians set the > revive date, he was given injections to slow his heartbeat to a bare > minimum, and that was that. > > The next thing that Jack saw was an enormous and very modern room > filled with excited people. They were all shouting "I can't believe > it!" and "It's a miracle" and "He's alive!". There were cameras (unlike > any he'd ever seen) and equipment that looked like it came out of a > science fiction movie. > > Someone who was obviously a spokesperson for the group stepped forward. > Jack couldn't contain his enthusiasm. "It is over?" he asked. "Is 2000 > already here? Are all the millennial parties and promotions and crises > all over and done with?" > > The spokesman explained that there had been a problem with the > programming of the timer on Jack's cryogenic receptacle, it hadn't been > year 2000 compliant. It was actually eight thousand years later, not > the year 2000. But the spokesman told Jack that he shouldn't get > excited; someone important wanted to speak to him. > > Suddenly a wall-sized projection screen displayed the image of a man > that looked very much like Bill Gates. This man was Prime Minister of > Earth. He told Jack not to be upset. That this was a wonderful time to > be alive. That there was world peace and no more starvation. That the > space program had been reinstated and there were colonies on the moon > and on Mars. That technology had advanced to such a degree that > everyone had virtual reality interfaces which allowed them to contact > anyone else on the planet, or to watch any entertainment, or to hear > any music recorded anywhere. > > "That sounds terrific," said Jack. "But I'm curious. Why is everybody > so interested in me?" > > "Well," said the Prime Minister. "The year 10000 is just around the > corner, and it says in your files that you know COBOL". > > -- > James Gerber > E-mail: james.gerber@cigna.com > Phone: 609.346.5888 > FAX: 609.346.5106 I've seen this joke before in a couple of variations. The first time I saw it, the programmer's name was GOOVOO. I guess the name was changed because GOOVOO was too obscure for anyone who was not an IBM MVS geek. For the uninitiated, the MVS file management system allows for "generation data groups" or GDG's. A GDG file has one name but multiple generations or cycles, for example today's generation of a daily tape is 0, yesterdays is -1, two days ago is -2. To create a new generation you use +1. But the way the system actually manages the generations is by appending a generation and version number to the 44-character Dataset name. The first generation has .G0001V00 appended, the next one has .G0002V00, and so forth. If the datasetname has fallen out of the catalog you need to explicitly reference the file by the name and not the GDG number. Lots of MVS people call these suffixes GOOVOO numbers. Recently, I was in a Y2K project team meeting and a Unix geek told this very joke to the attendees. He completely omitted every reference to COBOL, and the punchline of the joke was that Bill Gates was now Prime Minister of Earth. The Y2K meeting itself was an 8-hour offsite "War Room" type meeting. Powerpoint presentations from multiple "impacted" departments. Immediate authorization to spend an additional 2 million dollars this year over and above the 3 million already budgeted. Schedules for system software upgrades, testing of Cisco hardware, building Mainframe test centers, fielding customer Y2K queries (they're asking us what we're doing about the problem for them), acquiring additional network hardware, increasing technical headcount (sorry Cory, no mention of rates spinning up), and drop-dead dates. The Customer Y2K test center must be ready by October, 1998, but the internal Y2K test center must be ready Jan 1, 1998. Internal applications must be Y2K compliant by June, 1998. Desktop user applications (Excel, Access, et cetera) are the responsibility of the users. We'll warn them, provide a help desk, but they're on their own because we have bigger fish to fry. Will badge access to secured areas be affected? How about PBX's? Elevators? Some application areas have not yet estimated, others have conversion and testing well under way. Impact statements are due, NOW. Several European banks have told us their Y2K plan is to shut all computer systems down for the entire 3-day weekend, then start them up on Tuesday, Jan 4, 2000. What's the impact on our networks? One problem that surfaced was hardware and software vendors that can't or won't tell us when their products will be Y2K compliant. Can we build a Y2K test network with uncertified products? The fluff was squeezed down to two 10-minute presentations at the end of the eight-hour day. The P.R. department talked about using humor on the posters for our internal education program. The general counsel warned us not to make promises to member banks that could generate liability. Bump those up to the wise men. I think my management is taking the problem seriously. STANDARD DISCLAIMER: Any views expressed are my own, not my employer's. If I get in trouble, it's my own fault. Arnold Trembley Not an official spokesperson for MasterCard International, just an overworked code-cranker.